My Pet Turtle

Today I want to talk about my pet turtle I had when I was 8. His name was Phil Collins because turtles have gills. Get it? Me and Phil went everywhere together and he espectially went on top of my tv because i always put him up there but my mom kept telling me not to because if he fell he could brake his shell but i could of just taped it back together so i dont know what her big deal was. Phil loved razzberry lemonade and Mega Man X 2 but he hated the first one because he was afraid of Boomer Kawanager. Phil also liked it when you put him in the sink and poured some water on him. He would dance around and stuff and I would dance too. We called it the secret water dance and we thought it would summon a dragon that would make it rain every day for 2 months.

This is'nt Phil but it's basically a turtle.

I wanted a pet turtle because growing up i watched a lot of reruns of yep you guessed it Ninja Turtles. My favorite was always Legonado. Yes now I know he's called Lenonardo. I was a stuped kid. Lenonardo taught me how to keep a cold head even when the going gets touch and to never back down even when sometimes you have to fight the Shedder. Thats why i wanted a turtle. And because of the part in Link To The Past with the giant turtle in the ground and you have to blow it's head up. I promised my mom I would never blow my turtles head off because Lenonardo taught me not to do that. When I first met Mike I asked him what Ninja Turtle I would be and he said Mikey even though he's literally Mike His name is Mike. What the f@#$. He said I was a crazy party guy but whatever because I'm definitely the badazz leader who rips off a foot solder's head and dunks it into a basketball goal and it blows up and I put my body and head into my shell to protect me and the blast makes me fly to the goal on the other side and I dunk another head and it goes back and forth for 2 hours. Not just some party fool. If Mike was a turtle he'd be the live action girl turtle lol.

Well one day Phil layed like a brazillion eggs. Yup, he was a she all along so I changed her name to Gilbert. I promised to protect all of her eggs with my life but then i forgot about them because I was playing Zelda Link To The Past because my friend Gerard Candle told me that if you talk to Sarah Sallah 9999 times you can get the master sword early but yeah a nasty old dog ate all of Gilbert's eggs because I took them outside to berry them so they would be safe but i forgot to berry them and a nasty old dog came by and ate them like breakfast cereal basically. So yeah. I forgot to explain where I got Gilbert by the way. I found her at the park and put her in my pocket when nobody was looking. At my house I fed her vegtables like lettuce and brockly and paper. I even had her eat my homework once but my teater didn't believe me even though it LITERALLY HAPPENED.

Also not Gilbert but kinda what she looked like.

Now we get to the sad part of the story. You might notuice I've been talking about Phil and Gilbert in passed tence. That is because she is no longer with us. It was labor day and I let her walk around my room on the floor and she literally took a p!zz on my f@#$@#$ copy of Chester Cheetos Wild Quest on SNES. Yep. You know where this is going. I broke a bunch of eggs on her and kicked her like a football and hit her shell with a hammer twice and taped her to the wall for 6 hours and dropped a big wooden box on her and threw her off the roof into the road and she got run over by the biggest truck in the world and then I scooped her blood and guts and skeleton up into a paper bag and set it on fire and put it on Mike's door step. And ringed the door bell. And watched Mike step on the bag. And laughed like Shedder in Turtles On Time on SNES. At least that's what I was feeling like doing at the time but my mom said i should just take her back to the park and i said ok. I did that and then I never saw her again. At least I dont think i did cuz turtles kinda all look like the same one. But turtles also life for like ten billion years so maybe some day when I'm an old man I will see Gilbert and we can do the secret water dance again. As long as she doesnt p!zz on my games again, fool.

And that's my turtle.

-Jimmy Thatchroufe