Jimmy's Awsome Birthdat Bash

Welcom mortals, to the editorial about the most glorgious time of the year..... MY BRITHDAY. My bithday was yesterday on Friday, yes, Fireband Friday, the most excellent day of the week, besides of dourse DK Duestay and also Ultros Urtsday. After school that day I roushed home and quickly uplonded the daily DCTAY and cleaned up my room and by that i mean i pushed about 500 things unter the ruge. Out of site, out of mite, I always say! I turned on the SNES on the big huge giant 17 inch TV in the living roum and sat on the couch with a BIG. think RELALLY BIG. no, BIGGER! BIGGER, FOOL! bowl of cool ranck nachos on the table and of course, to dipe them in, dont forget the classic dctay mustark ya stupid peace of sh#it.

Mike was the first person to show wup....NO D'UH. and right behind him was Edmund Flap from school. I dont know him to well. And after that was Orville Crust. Who I never meat before. Gess who else was there. GESS. Heedmund Flip. Yeah Edmund and Heedmund have similor names but I dont blame them too much for it. It's out of their hands. I also dont know him. Listen. Me and Mike printed out probalably five huntred thouzand invidations on his dads five huntred thouzand dollars printer and passed them out to almoast any one. ALMOAST. By the end of the day I was just stuffen em in lockars and throwing them all crupled up on the floor and i even put one in the urninal and pizzed on it muhahahahaha. I also put one in the full size toilet and cr@pped on it but if itz brown you gotta flunch it done. So nobody saw that one fool.

But after those three shoad up. Well. HE arrived. Thats right. None other than than the VIAL. VILLAINTOUS. B@ST#RD PEECE OF ROTTING DEAD DOGGY DORPSE SH@#$%@#$%@#$. Phil. F@#$R@# Buckle. If any one in the hole school wastnt invited it was Philb Buckle. But here he was. At my party. With a little SNES game siszed gift in his hand. I WOUNDER WHAT THAT COULD BE PHIL BUCKLE.

If your out of the loop, please see the below comic from last week......

Me and Mike kept trading glantses. We knew we couln't let Phil Buckle leave this party unscaved after what he done to me and to my poor lonedly SNES with one less awesome game to play. But that was for later. For now it was time to GET OUR SNES AND COOL RANTCH NACHOS ON!

Mike brought Bomb Man and SNES Multitape so we could all do 4 awesome platers at once. I was player 1 cuz it was my birthd ay. Mike was player two cuz it was his game + multitap + 2 of his controllters + hes my best friggin bro in the world we're insepirable and he would die for me i do believe. Player 3 was Edmund cuz he was here after Mike. Player 3 was Heedmund becuz of his name. "Oh, didi we leave some one out??" I said that real loudley then Mike was like "nope thats everyone!" and we played TEN. WHOLE. GAMES. and all the time Phil Buckle was screamig LET ME PLAY LET ME PLAY HEEDMUND DOESNT EVEN LIKE BOMB MAN LETT ME PLAY" and I kept going "CAN YOU GUYS HERE SOMETHING??" and Mike would say "NOOOOPE"

Well. After a while Phill stopped screamign. I wish we had noticed why he stoped screaming sooner. I guess we were two cought up in plaing Bob man cuz after we were done playing I reached fown for that delitious golden treat the Cool Rach Nachos and THE BOWL WAS GONE. PHIL BUCKLE HAD TAKEN THE BOWEL AND EATED EVERY. LAST. CRUM. Stealing my Uniracers was thje last straws. This was just sicko-logical war fair. It was the last straws. That's right. The straws that killed the camel and left him to rot in the dessert and get picked at by a gang of three voltures. Who suck its blood and eat its eyeballz dipped in nacho cheezey dipping sauses.

Then after that happend i say GUYS how about we go open up my presents one at a time? And everyone was like yup. And I noticed that phil. fck1ng. buckle. was sweating friggin bullets at this point and was shaking like a christmas tree being climed by a blind kitty cat. And phil says ooooh-kay all the wile biting his fungernales and spidding the bits on the flore. you discusting peace of crap. you make me sick two my stomack. You discussed me.

Sooo fist up Edmund trudges on over to me with gift in had and gives it to me saying "here you go man" and now i know i dont know Edmund and he doesnt know me but guess what he bought me GUESS. Thats right. I mean i didnt know yet because I had to open the gift but when I opened it I saw. It. IT. Ritch Racer 7 for the. Get this. CRAPSTATION 3. WHJO IN THEYRE RIGHT MING WOULD THINK I WOULD EVEN HAVE A CRAPSTATION 3.... IT'S CRAP. I look at endmund and strifle a smile and say thaaaaaaaaaaaanks. And then shoot dackers at philbucked because I know he knows I hate the crapstation. ANd i couldove sware that he was giggling at my suphering. Mike was giggling but hes my bro so its ok. Idk what heedmud was doing.

Next up Heemund trudges on over to me with gift in had and gives it to me saying "here you go man" and I pick it up from his hands which are so sweety from playing Bomb Man that his natural waters are sooking into the warping paper. I open it up and it slaides off like wet snotey dissue paper and would you beleage it. It's RITCH RACER 6. FOR X BUTT THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY DEGREACE. I WAS SO PIZZED OFF I COULD HAVE JUST WARMED UP TO THREE HUNDRED SIXTY DEGREES FOURENHAYT AND EXPLODED INTO SMITOREENS. I look at heedmund and strifle a smile and say thaaaaaaaaaaaanks. At this toint Mike was roaling on the flort laughing his little emo ritch kid azz off at my misfortine. But little did he know i had layd some awezome mousey traps on the flore and he was getting piched by all. of. them. Have you ever plaide the board game Mouse Tarp? Well. It was like that. Cuz there was mouse trapes.

Nex up. My best bro ever mike. Who all this time was holding a big heavy azz dupphel bag full of got knows what. he let me hold it and it was. so. damn. hevy. so i helped him up off the flore and detached the mousey traps off his earlopes. anyways he tells me open it. i open it and stitch my hand inside and yup. you guessde it. my finger got snapped up in a mousey traps. tricky old mike........ i should of expeted this.

Next up in the dupphel bag is two huge eff-off cindar blocks. oh mike so that's why the dupphel bag was heavy.... you sly doggy. i take out a cindar block and pretend its the coolest thing ever for 5 seconds before accidentaly drooping it on edmunds foot but he doesnt even notice. weird kid. anwyas inside the dupphel bad theres another things so stay tuned. theres one last beutifully wrapped up box in rapping paper printed with, thats right, mario sprites. how did he get this! anywayze i rip into it with my teeth and spti out the bits. and miek and i share a knowing glance. of course..

it's a copy of uniracers.

brand new. in the box with manuel and other things. im not a collector's guy but this is really cool. mike is the best.. and he has his sources for this kind of things. lets just say someone lost they're pinky fingers today. deep connections you see.

phil buckel saw it and immediatey started chatering like a plastic human mandible toy spring loaded dentures toy, or perhaps like cartoon Scubey Do. I know. That he knows I know that he stole my copy of uniracars. so i say THANK YOU MIKE YOU REPLACED MY LOST COPY OF UNIRACERS THAT I MUST OF MISPLOCED. I say while starting daggers into phil bucke's liver. mike says YOUR WELCOME BRO IM SURE ITS LOST SOMEWHERE LEGAL. he says while spitting towards phil. edmund and heedmund clap. i smile showing my sharp shark teeth.

And now for the last precent giver. One Phillip Buckley. I say, shop shop, Mr. Buckle. The gift, pleaze. And suddenlay he starts backing of and going 'oh its not a good preset I chanjed my mind' but while backing up he bumps into towering, immovable heedmund flap. who doest say a word but pushes him back into my cluches. yes phil. come here. i wigel my finger. lets have a loak whats in this pack age. dont make me bring out more mousey traps.. so he hands me the git rapped gift. rapped in old ratty school homework that has his name spelt on it wronge. and how strage. it's the same size as a SNES game. and the same wait as a SNES game. And it has the little ritches on the front like a SNES game.

and you know what they say. if it quakes like a duck and wakes like a duce, it's probably a douck.

So I tage off the paper and well well well. A copy of Unitracers. And whats on the back of this copy of Uniraters?? THE INICIALS J.R.T. Thats JAMES. R. THATCHROUFE. SUCKA. And also there was the little meltey part on the bottom cornor of the cartrich from when I holded it over a candole to see if it would light up into gloroious giant redhot flames or just melt and yup it started to just meld. So for those folloring along at home, Phil Buckle stole MY COPY of UNIRADERS LAT WEEK, and now, just one weak later, GAVE IT BAKC TO ME AS A BIRTHDAY PRESET. If you still havont understoud the cimcumstances, poop out a terd and push it back in, sucka. I am dupfounded but not surprised. I dont say a word. Phil doesnt say a word but is shaking like a doggy in the cold, perhapes that doggy is Scubey Do. Edmund and Heedmud sit silent and dont move an inch. Mike says "oh woops. you already have this game." and i sigh and say yuuuup. thanks phillip. and before phil can utter a single thing the lights go out with a whistle and my moma comes in with the cake and singing HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU JIMMY!!!!!!! and everyone starts to sing along even me except for poor. little. phil. buckel.

mom places the cake on the table in front of me. six hundred and sixty six candles just like i asked. merging together in a massive pire of flaming infernal. mike and i grab phil by the shoulders and push him to the cake and wisper in his ears "make a wish, phillip". he dosent even know what to say. edmund and heedmund clap to the birthday song in complete silents.

"happy birthday to youuuuu!!!!"

firecarkers go off. as phil feeblie blows some air on to the cadles miek and i tilt his head forewords into the flaming pitz of hell and his hair. catches. fire. and he starts screeming like a baby bird and i pour a big bowl of puch onto his head and it. is. completely bald.

you mess with the bule you get the hornts. you fu@@cking idiote.

happy birthday ya filthy animal.

-JT

MIKE ADENDUME: Ok. Jimmy wants to paint himself but more importantly me like some kind of crazeyd animal so I should clartify. Jimmy through one candle at Phil from across the room and it didnt catch him on fire. Also Phil Buckle was ALREADDY BALD. Thats why in the comic he was dipicted as Qpert. Becuz he also has a big droopy nose and kind of bright oringe skin. Basicaly Imagine a big human stized Qpert. Thats Phil Buckel. Plus all shabes and sizes of zits and pimbles and a pear of glasses so thich they could stop a bullot......or a candle. Come to yore own comclusions dear readder. and happy bithday bro (yesterday). mike out.