Die Hard Game Review

Hey guys, Mike here. So this years editorial is a little differant than usual. So i know that usually we like to concentrange on games that were made for the oh so lovely, oh so hansome, and oh so very very perfect SNES that i love so very very much. But today is a little differant than usual. Because we will be doing a review for a game that came out on the computer (and yes, it came out on CRAPstation as well. no biggie whoop. it mostly came out on pc andyways and the controllers feel a lot more fine when you are useing a keyboard and the big mouse controller instead of the stupid CRAPstation controller with those b######stard bollocked levers its got, and the stupid shapes buttons..... If you've read my CRAPstation rant you know the ones. and on a computer you can play SNES games (with emulaters, baby!) and it's also what we use to get sprites for DCTAY, so basically, this is basically a SNES game true and true. so SHUT UP and dont email jimmy about it or hell come to my house and spit chairy peps on my hamster called E. Honda that I love so very very much).

The game of the day is called something like INCREDIBLE SUEPR GUNS AND AWESOME ROSES (or something like that i dont remember and I left the box for it in the candy room): DIE HARD (like the movie but it has nothing to do with the movie)

The game is like a promotional thing for a soda called gog that I honestly never really liked that much because it tastes kinda like rubbing alcohol that you can feel through your nose.... I tried using some of it to clean the contacts on jimmy's copy of Kid Klown Krazy Khase and it stopped working. Sorry jimmybean. :(

Anyways back to the review: Crystal Gog is not that good of a soda in fact they stopped making it real quick and humor has it that every bottle has just been buried in a big whole in the dessert or something. like with that stupid ET games.... what was I talking about? DIE HARD IS SUPER. FLIPPIN. AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!

GAMEPLAY (by Mike)

"DIE HARD GUNS SHOOTING AND GETTING ROSES" is, hams down, one of the greatest games to have ever grazed my computer screen. and i say it with no byas, and yes, my brother worked on it, and yes, my brother drew the characters, and yes, one of the characters is me. BIG WILLIE. I can say what i want because we live in a free america that is the lamb of the free and the ham of the brave. So suck. it. up.

The gameplay is basically kinda like contra, but if you were inside the head of contra. So you see through his eyes, and shoot using his hands on the gun. Also you have a big huge sword and you can use the sword to slash at fools but also block the bullets that fools want to kill you with. Yeah. It's that awesome. And whenever you kill a fool it dies in a big gory explosion with funny sounds....

Die Hard (which is the name of the character you play as, even though people call her different things sometimes, like diaman or miss hard or something like that. Sorry, I was too busy with the awesome controls.... Also I found an awesome glitch in which you can slash the walls and go super fast while flying in the air. It's so awesome.). And that's why my rating for the gameplay is 9/10 flagpole, it's not a 10/10 simbley because you can't play it on a snes controller, I tried plucking it in my computer but the big azz connector thing wouldn't fit in the hole of the computer hole.

STORY (by Jimmy)

The storey in this game is BUTTS. ON. MY. WALL. Some CHICK (yes. you platy as a GIRL. Meteoroid did it better fool.) has to buy a bunch of missiles or some dumb f@#. The story is basically no stars out of ten because I couldn't even pay attention. There was angles and and monkeys or something fighting for the next week. It all flew around my heads. I don't know anything about angles because I always skipped bible study to spit chairy peps at mail boxes to make it sound like a chinese gonk. One time the pasters dog kept barking at the top of my lungs so i spit peps at him but i missed. Anyway back to the game. Die hard is nothing like the movie. There isn't even any Bruce Willies, only SPRUCE willies. Is this some kind of joke? I've seen better jokes at demonscrest.neocities.org fool. And don't forget the mustard. 0 out of ten flagepoles.

Mike told me to keep going so I guess I have to. Stage one is a oil refindery or something. There's some guys talking like blah blah balh. And the voice actoring is. TERRABLE. I've seen better voice actoring at demonscrest.neocities.org fool and don't forget the mustart. Diarrea Hard or as I like to call her Dianne has to find all the hidden keys and nasty azz gog soda and find the keys and go at the end of the stage. There was also a weird guy hiding behind a wall and I wasted that fool. It made me feel kinda bad to waste that fool though. Like it hurt a little part of me too. Thats why for gameplay I'm giving this game a 0 out of ten thumbs up because it LATERALLY HURTS YOU to play it in real life. Level 2 has you on a bus which is cool I GUESS. I like going on the bus but my mom doesnt let me anymore after yep. welll more chairy peps anyway the story of level 3 was DEMONS CREST because I was halloosinating a better game because I didn't care anymore and stopped playing and played Demons Crest which is actually on a good console. Snes.

MUSIC (by Mike)

If you haven't heard the music in this game there is something sovereley wrong with you. The music is like if ludwig beethoven von koopa was brout back to life and was given the chance to work on on one of the most incretiple games ever, and he got his piano and started banking out toons like there was no tomorrow (RIP ludwig beethoven. you. da. MAN!).

the sound of the music is so realistic by the way. i don't know what they put inside the computer so that it can sound like this, because it feels like the installator disc invited a whole orchestra of little computer people to live inside my computer and play me music while i play die hard... but unfortunately when I turn off my computer they all die (RIP little computer people. you. da. MANS!). Mwahahahahaha....

My favorite song in the game has got to be the song that plays in level 2, which is like a sort of creepy mansion circus thing? I don't know I don't really get it. But there's some gimps in it which made me Laugh-Out-Loud because jimmy looked at them and asked me "what is that thing" like we hadent just watched pulp fiction just the day before, in my awesome cinema room, with fresh butered popcorn (jimmy mixed his popcorn with my popcorn jellybans from my candy room because he is a f########cking fatazz lol) and when he saw the gimp in that movie he said "what is that thing" and honestly i didn't know so i grabbed my whistle and gave it a wihstle and my nanny Ermine Mitchell (she said its ok for me to write her full legal name here but not her address or phone numper) arrived and i asked her what is that thing and she explained to me what a gimp was and i explained it to jimmy and jimmy went RED. like RED RED. like BEET F#CKING RED. HAHAHAHAHAHA. That's why the music gets a 7 out og 10 flagpols for me.

Graphics (by Jimmy)

Let me start out by saying GAMES. DO. NOT. NEED. TO. BE. IN. 3. D. Thats too much D's and it hurts the process and makes me as a playert not abel to follow what's happening on the screan. How do I know what's behind me? I don't. How do I know what's besides me? I don't. I only know what's infront of me right now. I already have to live life this way I don't want to video games yeah anyway you know what I'm saying. The graphics are dumb and cartony and I don't care about them accept for one acception. At the very start when you turn on the game there is a BEATIFUL woman with large breasts and a bakini brassiere and her cleavelange is FULLY. VISIBLE. I printed out this photo and memorized every last detale. Her gap tooth. Her neautiful mole. The genereal shape of her eyes and hair and such. She is holding a bottle of Gog soda but I printed out a picture of Demons Crest to put in her hand instead. I can close my eyes and amagine what she looks like with no bra but I can only see it for faint fleeting seconds before I have to open my eyes again. There's also a horse enemy and it's just a real picture of a horse so thats' lazy as f!#@@!#!!!!@!@$#%@#%!@#$@#...... and some of the garphics look like none of the other graphics. Like Sprute Willies. and the man in the wall. This inconstincicity makes the graphics a 0 OUT OF TEN but a special acception for 10 out of 10 for that hot and hunky babalicious babe who is sweeter than any of the jellybeams i just ate even my favorite flavor which if you want to know which flavor that is go to demonscrest.neocities.org sucka. That's it for today I'm gonna play a REAL GAME and never touch a crudstation again unless I am slamme dunking it into the GARBATCH CAN. Peace out. and goodbyue forever Crap(crud)station.

but for lovely breasts

Timing (by Mike)

The timing of the game is just great. it came out at the right time when gog wanted it to and also the bullets are shot right exactly when you press the click on the mouse button. And also the timing when you block the bullets with your dword is just perfect and feels great. TEN OUT OF TEN FLACKPOLES!!!!!!

Breastitude (by Jimmy)

I can not get her out of my head. She is everything I ever always wanted. When i sleep at night I see her in my dreams with her giantnormous jiggling breats. And she asks to me. "Jimmy. Would you like to touch them" and I say "yuuuuup" and as soon as I get close they turn into JELLYBEAMS. BIG F@#@#$@#$@# JELLYBEAMS. It happens every. time. I need to find her in real life. Then I can have them for real and they will not be jellybeams. Baby, if you are reading this, email me at jimmy.thatchroufe@gmail.com and take me out on a date because I do not have a job yet. I like Mcdonalds and KFC or in your case baby, KFB(boobs). I live in Belmont Wisconsin and I am way hotter than Mike. What he lacks in money I make up for in styles. I will even brush my hair for you even though IT HURTS. And I can show you how I can eat a chairy and even swallow the pep and it's still in one peace when I poop it out later. But yeah I'm not gonna spit THAT one out at stuff. No mam. But I can let you play Demons Crest but it's just one player so you can just watch me play. And yeah I have Stunt Racer FX and other games too so we can play that and then you can thank me for the lovely evening by. well. I hope you still have that brassiere. Or not. ;) -xoxo loves and kisses Jimmy Thatchroufe

So yeah basically that's all she roat. Jimmy didn't really talk about the graphics and got a little dostracted by the womanly breast on the title card, but i can't plame him, i understand. we are simply human men after all. but he really should stop pressing the escape button while saying "OOPS!!!!" when the game actually starts and pretending that he did it by accident whith his elbow when i could literally see that he slammed his fist on it, just so i have to start the game again so he can see the woman again. real slick jimmy. That's why the final score of the game is AWESOME from me. and yes, no bias, even though my best brother in the world basically made it.

Any final closing thoughts for our dear readers jimmybean?

stop calling me JIMMYBEAM!!!!!!!!! FOOL!!!!!!!!!!

that's what yo mama calls you, brotha.

your game sucks the big one (p!@$!@$!@nis) so i dont care anymore. Catch me at the nachos bar at your house . maybe yo mama will be there. BORUTHA.